Parenting your grieving child, #4: Q&A with the founder of Rainbows, grief support for children

In this post, my friend, Suzy Yehl Marta, founder of Rainbows For All Children (LINK), answers real questions from widowed parents who I know from this blog, from several Facebook pages, and from Twitter.

Suzy originally agreed to write four posts, one for each Tuesday in October, and this is the last of that series. Tell me: would you like to hear more in this format? Has this been helpful to you? Do you have a question to share? Let me know via a comment (below), email (address at right), or on Facebook.

Suzy is the author of “Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope.”  She has been working with grieving children for nearly 30 years. Rainbows has programs for children and teens, ages 3 to 18, in all 50 states and many international sites. Find a program near you by calling 1-800-266-3206. Please see my note at the bottom of the post for details on how you can take a minute or two this month to "vote" online and gain financial support for Rainbows.

* * * 

I have a girl age 8 and two boys age 6 and 4. For myself I have noticed an extra set of emotions not that it is coming up to the one year mark, Do kids experience this too? I know time can be a hard concept to grasp at these ages.

The anniversary of the death of a loved one impacts every family member. While your kids are all young, your 4-year-old might not understand the permanence of death at all. However, kids are perceptive and pick up your emotions and listen to your tone of voice or your conversations.

Have you planned a celebration of their Dad on the anniversary? Gather everyone together and ask what they would like to do on this day. Face it head on. Perhaps a dinner of Dad's favorite foods, rent his favorite movie, or a trip to the cemetery to give him "gifts"...pictures they drew, cookies, etc.. Maybe they would like to write a note to their dad, tie it to a string of a helium balloon (you do one also) and together let them go up, up in the air. This can be very symbolic and healing. Let the kids be creative in designing the day.  


My son was 10 and my daughter was 6 when my husband died. They are now 12 and 8. My daughter seems to be doing ok. My son however seems so unhappy. When he is at school with his friends he is happy but when he is home he is so unhappy. How can I help him? He misses his dad so much. They used to do SO much together. I know therapy would be good and he's willing to go. He seems fine after church. So I am trying to go to church every Sunday. But my heart just breaks for him.

The death of a parent is such a searing pain to youngsters. Keep in mind, it takes years for children to wind through their grief, as the loss is reopened at their various benchmarks of maturity. It seems as if your children are handling the death in their own ways. While your daughter seems okay that does not mean she is not still struggling with the death. And your son has real reason to be sad.

As parents we want our children to be happy and enjoy their childhood. But sadness is also part of a healthy range of emotions and it's important for them to understand that these feelings are normal. While therapy could be helpful for both of the kids, a good first step is to find an outlet to meet with their peers who have had a loved one die and the opportunity to talk about their feelings and concerns in a comfortable setting.

You may find it really helpful to all of you if you can talk with your children about the death - separately and together. Perhaps you can call it "Daddy Time." As the parent, you will want to learn as much as you can about what they are feeling, believing, and needing. It is a rare child that will say they want to talk about their parent's death, it is our responsibility as parents to open the doors of conversation.

In my book, “Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope,”  I devote an entire chapter to conversation starters and activities you can do at home with your kids or riding in the car. It is most helpful if you are able to take the sting and fear out of talking about the death, the loss you share, and the all the feelings associated with it. Once you become comfortable with the discussions, they will too, and while it will still pain you to see them hurting, you'll also see them grow.

Your son and daughter both may also benefit from having another adult to hang out with. Think about family members, neighbors and family friends you can ask to do some of things he and his Dad did. Some single parents find this kind of support through their church or with the parents of their child's friends.

* * *

How you can help support Rainbows programs
Rainbows For All Children is participating in the Pepsi Refresh campaign. From Oct. 1 to 31, log on to the Pepsi Refresh web site and vote for Rainbows every day. And please help spread the word! There are just a few days left.

With $250,000 from the Pepsi Refresh Project, Rainbows will:

• Provide emotional support to 2,500 youth through 100 new sites nationwide
• Help children and youth strengthen problem-solving and coping skills
• Improve communication in their families and peer relationships
• Prevent destructive behaviors including violence and substance abuse.

Day of the Dead: Video, Making Paper Marigolds (Zempasuchil)

UPDATE: Ignore my instructions. Even though I've been making them this way for years, I found an easier way. Same materials.

Steps:

1. Fold your loop of crepe paper into a piece about 3 or 4 inches long. Snip through the loops at the ends so that you have a small stack of 3-4 inch long pieces of crepe paper, little rectangles that aren't connected to each other.
2. Cut through BOTH short ends several times, not all the way through. It should look like this picture at right.



Step 2, revised.

3. Holding the crepe paper bundle together, wrap the wire around the middle (the uncut area). Cinch it and push the paper upwards. If you like, you can also fold the bundle the long way.
4. Wrap around the base of the flower with masking tape and color it with your marker, or wrap with green tape.
5. Fluff the petals out and twist them around so it doesn't look like a folded rectangular clump of paper any more. It should look random and scrappy. If you want, use two bundles of paper, cut and folded the same way. Twist them in the wire stem just ONCE, together. 
6. You'll now have double wires for your stem, which is actually easier to handle when you make the bouquets, too.
Also? Sorry. I swear that's how we always made them, but maybe my hands have gotten old. This method is MUCH EASIER.

Thanks to the magic of video, you will need this extra information to make your own marigolds (zempasuchil) from crepe paper. Marigolds are traditional, and lovely, and orange – and the fragrance, which has been bred out of many varieties available here, is supposed to call souls especially well. But they can be hard to find if you didn’t plant them back in June.

But watch the little video and then refer here for un-clarification:

Supplies:

1. Petals: Roll of crepe paper streamer, yellow, orange, or (best) golden yellow-orange.
2. Stems: wire or pipecleaner (do not cut with scissors. Use an old nail clipper or buy a cheap one). Green is ideal, but color isn’t important. 
3. Tape, either masking tape or dark green floral tape. 
4. A magic marker (black or green) to color plain masking tape if you use that. 

Directions:

Step 2: the folded,                
cut strip of crepe paper.       

1. Pull out 3 or 4 feet of crepe paper.  Fold it 6 or 8 times. 
2. Cut into the strip (through the layers) as shown – don’t go much more than halfway through. Notch the ends similarly. Carefully, slowly, gently unfold the crepe paper. 
3. Bend a loop in the edge of your “stem” to create a flat area that’s easier to grip. Bend a loop at the other end to avoid poking your eye out. 
4. With the wire in one hand and the crepe paper strip in the other, wrap the SOLID (uncut) edge of crepe paper around the end of the stem. 
5. After 6 or 8 turns of crepe paper, start using tape to adhere the crepe paper to the stem. It’s okay to scrunch it up. 
6. Start scrunching up the crepe paper to add extra material in to the taped area – you want to be pleating or folding it as you go. You’ll find you can be pretty sloppy because the paper and the tape both scrunch easily. Do this until you’ve used up your strip of cut paper. -- finish up your tape, too, with extra twists around if necessary. 
7. If you used masking tape, now is your time to color it with the marker. 
8. Empuffen the flower: starting at the outside and working around and around, gently pull on the petals to add body to your marigold. It will not be completely regular: marigolds are scrappy little informal flowers. Kids are good at this and they have small fingers, but it can be delicate work. You won’t probably be able to go to the center – smoosh the tight center petals with your fingers if you like the effect. 

If you want fuller flowers, use two strips of cut paper. If you want super-marigolds-on-gamma-rays, use three.

Photo by Batty aka Photobat via Flickr

It’s traditional to make a trail to the ofrenda or a pattern on the floor with marigold petals, too. If you like, you can save the little bits you cut out (above), but it will get pretty messy, especially if you have pets or kids or a breeze. And remember, the fragrance will be missing. But if you are really committed to not wasting one bit, or just adore the effect... knock yourself out!

Day of the Dead 2010: My ofrenda, Day 1

It doesn't look like much, does it? This corner of the sun room is where we're going to build our ofrenda, or offering (commonly known as a "shrine"), for the Day of the Dead this year. I'll stack up some furniture or sturdy boxes, cover them with cloth, add holy objects, and at the last minute, on Nov. 2, put out some food and drink for the souls of loved ones who have passed.

I'm spending lots of time sorting through 6 boxes labeled "holy objects," for precious things to recall my life with Gavin and his life before me. As I do so, and as I spend time remembering, I recall other losses: should there be an area for my father, dead 17 years now? Or my sister's fiance, gone now for 13 years? For my grandmother, who passed less than a year after Gavin at age 103 and a half? How about for Frances, Gavin's mother, my burden, my savior?

And what deity will preside over this sacred assortment? The Lord Ganesh and our Lady of Guadalupe, at the very least. That's who I can bring - we'll see who else shows up.

This week, in preparation, I'm going to BREAK and CREATE. The break will be, to not do what's easy and what I'm used to - ensconced in my new world of widowed people and my new husband. I've decided to invite some people I haven't seen in years - who were close to Gavin, and who I've been bitter or conflicted about - to join us as I raise a Rolling Rock in Gavin's memory. I won't let the world move on and think it's all over when you die, when you break, when you find new love. I'll share, and I'll try to stay open and listen, and what is harder than that?

And I'm going to create, because being back in the time when we were together reminds me of some dreams I've dropped. How great it feels, how natural, to stretch my eyes on bright colors, to make things, to find parts and figure it out and work it through with my own fingers. I've twisted up marigolds, smushed Celluclay into skulls, and repurchased a basic palette of acrylics.

As the weather cools, I can feel my pulse warming up... exercising those old art muscles. But that's just what rocks my boat... anyone can join us in our virtual online Day of the Dead celebration: will you?

The Day of the dead is NOT Halloween

Día de muertos, originally uploaded by Misraim Alvarez.

A lot of widowed people get the creeps from Halloween decorations at this time of year. Who needs to see another graveyard, living skeleton, or worst of all, blood and gore, after getting truly intimate with death? It was hard for even me to see "RIP" on a lawn in the fall, although my husband rests in a jar on top of a bookshelf.

But the Day of the Dead is NOT Halloween, and actually, to my mind, it's EXACTLY what we -- you and I and our communities -- need. One of the most common and most torn complaints I hear from grieving people is that "our culture lacks a way to mourn." We don't have any prescribed way to share, to be sad together or even alone. While the problem extends beyond the U.S., it's easy to see how as a richly diverse society - sewn together from different national histories and languages, different regions, with religious freedom, and formed in a break from the old world (and after smashing the cultures of the world that we incorporated as we built) - our lack of unity has left some gaps. Yes, many of us have some way to celebrate, remember, to pass milestones - but not together. While many rituals can be helpful, healing, and connecting - Jewish friends often speak of how well their grieving traditions "work" - they can also isolate us by keeping us with those from the same culture, who may not be the ones we most need or want.

So what are some differences between these two autumn festivals, which are related both to pagan traditions like Samhain and Christian ones like All Souls Day? On both holidays the veil between the worlds grows thin: the dead can visit the living. But the similarities are superficial:

Halloween	Day of the Dead
Graveyards are creepy	Families go to the graveyards to clean up, spend the night there singing, playing, and remembering (usually with picnic).
Zombies claw their way out of the soil and they are coming to eat your brains.	The dead are coming back to tell you they love you, they miss you and they wish they hadn't had to leave.
You offer candy to kids you don't know so that they don't throw rotten eggs at your house.	You spend days preparing favorite foods for your deceased loved ones, and share it with your friends and family. May or may not include egg dishes.
Skeletons look "natural" but have light up red eyes and yell BOO.	Skeletons are stylized, colorful and flowered, with glittery eyeshadow. They dance and sing folk music.
No relation to actual death - mostly to horror movies and cartoons.	Death is a part of life, we remember those who have preceded us.
Kids act crazy and get all sugared up.	(Same)
Cheap plastic crap purchased at the drug store, battery powered candy bowls, cheap HFCS-filled candy by the boatload.	Festive handmade decorations, your finest pottery and best food.
Conformity: Kids dress up like branded characters.	Subversion: Toy skeletons mimic politicians and adulterous, drunkard mortals.

Doesn't this sound like what you've been asking for? Let's fill the gaps, people. Let's create a tradition that helps us move through life with love and memories, and connects us with each other. Join us!



Oaxaca 2009 079, originally uploaded by Pablo Aburto.

The Day of the Dead: Top Ten Items to Include in your Offering

Photo by Batty aka Photobat via Flickr

It's not difficult to create an offering for the Day of the Dead. While we have a habit of calling these dedicated religious areas "shrines," the Mexican artist, Felipe Ehrenberg, who taught me the Day of the Dead as an artistic and healing tradition in 1992, insisted: shrines and altars are for Gods, offerings are for the ancestors, and this tradition calls the ancestors. It looks the same, anyway.

Your offering can take any form. The elements that you must include are love and intention, everything else can vary, and you needn't buy anything new. Decide on an area of your home that would be appropriate, and think about what you would like to include, how this activity fits in with your religious beliefs and your ways of grieving. Where will you be able to see it? How childproof does it need to be?

Some suggestions for what you might be offering:

1. A picture or icon representing a deity (or more than one) as appropriate for your household or the deceased one.
2. A photo or other image of your deceased loved one. (No need to restrict it to one person - you remember them all).
3. Mementos of your loved one or of your life together.
4. Flowers (fresh or fake).
5. Crafts or images of saints, angels, hearts (You don't need to have Mexican stuff, or Day of the Dead stuff: whatever is true to you).
6. Things that will "call" the loved one: food, drink. You might also play music that they liked or that remind you of them on the event.
7. Fancy or colorful fabric or paper. A scarf, a scrap or special piece of clothing?
8. Source of light: candles or holiday lights. PLEASE be safe with paper, fabric, and hanging things around!
9. Something orange - you can select a few other colors if you like, or just go Mexican and mix it all together, choosing as bright as possible.
10. Something that smells good (incense, candles or fresh flowers, or the food or drink).

Join in our blog carnival as you prepare and celebrate. Share your thoughts and your pictures with others, online or offline. Sign up your blog on our Mr. Linky. Spread this idea: that you want others to share stories, and not just now.

Think about what you'd like to do for a small event on Nov. 2. Would you really prefer to do something private and have your warm thoughts to yourself? Can you invite someone you haven't spoken to in a long time? A family member who's hurting? Can you reach out to someone else who's scrambling through loss?

(One thing I've found lately is the importance of personal contact. If I send out a big group email, I usually end up feeling rejected - but a phone call (not even leaving a message) is very intimate after months of Facebooking and brings an earnestness and commitment to my request that makes people respond differently. Try it.)

Set your mind, above all, on a dream of what you'd like to eat and drink in the honor of your loved one. What would you share with them if they dropped by for a moment? What smells and tastes would call them, and what would they be holding to tell you?

Day of the Dead 2010: MASTER POST with Linky

This is the HOME POST for the Day of the Dead 2010. This post will be updated every day or two with new participants, new activities, photos, and other sharing as part of our individual rituals and memories.

We got started, you can catch up EASY

Join us! (Call to action)

This post (wait, you didn't miss it!) which includes the badge for your blog! Pick up the badge here: <a href=" http://freshwidow.blogspot.com/2010/10/day-of-dead-2010-master-post-with-linky.html"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie2H-blWIbMvQbsEmQ7ogEhv3M8v5slIy8NUMqYe5we1HfACRdBDr_tLVx2cBEQ7nhq21jdkptpewXEELnjA57EiK14wCIcBm8mTHEgsvis4tfIPl2tNa4p6Ug2Sltt4ktq7D7sJGXaN4/s1600/FINALDOTD.jpg" width="150" /></a>

Example: Ofrenda for my daughter.... (Alive and Mortal blog)

Book review: Rosita and Conchita (for kids)(Alive and Mortal blog)

Top 10 items to include in an offering.

It’s not Halloween! (Cultural overview)

Craft project: create marigolds, the traditional Mexican flower, from crepe paper. No skills required!

NEW Craft project: Skeleton flags for kids (easy peasy!) (Alive and mortal blog)

What’s coming up

10/25 – Gather objects that will call all souls.

More examples of work in progress or thoughts...  including YOURS?

11/2 (Tuesday) – night of the festival – join us on chat or Twitter, or gather a few friends or family members to share memories of your loved one(s).

Sign up and visit the others who are participating! (If you aren't sure how to participate or don't have a blog, write to me at Supa DOT Dupa DOT Fresh AT gmail DOT com and we'll figure it out together. I GA-RON-TEE it!)

Parenting your grieving child, #3: Q&A with the founder of Rainbows, grief support for children

Most of my mission online consists of peer support: helping widowed people connect with each other, share stories, and find validation and new friendships. Last summer, as part of an extremely active conversation on my Facebook page, it became clear that widowed people with kids at home wanted more: you asked me for the comfort of an authority on what to expect in your grieving children as they grow. I posted a quick signup and got more than 100 widowed parents showing their interest!

This series is the first outcome of your requests. I asked my friend, Suzy Yehl Marta, founder of Rainbows For All Children (LINK), to answer your real questions. Suzy is the author of “Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope.” Suzy has been working with grieving children for nearly 30 years. Rainbows has programs for children and teens, ages 3 to 18, in all 50 states and many international sites. Find a program near you by calling 1-800-266-3206.

This is the third of four posts by Suzy – one for each Tuesday in October. Questions were selected from those submitted by widowed parents on my Widowed Village page on Facebook. You can “like” that page at right, and ask your own question here. You can read the first post in the series here and the second one here.

Please see my note at the bottom of the post for details on how you can take a minute or two this month to “vote” online and gain financial support for Rainbows.

* * *

At what point do you insist on making your child attend grief counseling? I never pushed it with my 18 year old and now am wondering if I am doing him a disservice by not giving him a safe place to express his concerns about our new family structure and his feelings about losing his ather. (Both he and my 14 year old son watched their father die of cancer 2.5 years ago).

I worry about their ability to form healthy relationships as adults now that they do not have a consistent male role model in their lives. I have no family where I live and my husband's family is absent. I am currently dating someone who has long-term potential but don't want to make this man feel obligated to help my sons. Suggestions?

This is a tough question because grief is a normal, natural way to process the death of a loved one. The death of a loved one impacts each family member differently. If the death was a homicide or suicide, other painful concerns and responses surface compared to the death of an elderly grandmother who was 90. Other factors that influence how a child is able to process the death is the age of the child, the family’s ability to talk together about the death and their individual feelings surrounding it, and the type of relationship to the deceased the child had. Most people do not need grief counseling, but rather need to learn more about grief and have the emotional support that enables them to grieve at their own pace, in their own way.

Grief counseling can be helpful but the best is if your sons and you to talk as a family on regular basis about the loss and actually take a “pulse” of how your sons are doing. Secondly, getting your sons enrolled in a grief support group with kids their age who have had a loved one die allows them an emotional safety to feel “ordinary”…their companions on the bumpy journey of grief. This support group needs to be led by a trained adult facilitator. Many communities offer such opportunities, as well as Rainbows for All Children, Inc which has programs in schools, churches, synagogues and agencies across the country.

You are wise to be aware that your sons need male role models/ mentors. As a single parent of sons, I sought out male mentors. The obvious ones were my Dad and brother, and you don’t have these options, I also enrolled my sons in sports (coaches), scouting (pack leaders) and asked husbands of friends to help me with teaching them things about being a man. Things from tying a necktie or shaking hands with a solid grip. Another great resource is Big Brothers. And lastly, I invited the school to be a partner with me… keeping me aware of needs or concerns that might arise that the teacher or social worker are observing. While your 18 year old is either out school or heading for college, your 14 year old has years left in high school.

I pushed myself to learn about the various sports and other interests of my sons. All three were so different which added variety to our family life and conversations. I learned over time while I could not fix their bikes or teach them how to pitch a ball, what sons need is a good role model of unconditional love, integrity, humor, consistency of values and expectations, as well as dependability.

You are prudent to not expect the man you are dating to be pressured into taking on this role. First, your sons may very well resent him for assuming the role of Dad or male mentor because he is not their Dad. This needs to develop naturally over time. Just having him around your sons and including him in family activities is a huge step. You did not mention if your friend has kids and if so, this may add more challenges -- and more opportunities -- to the situation.


Read the other posts in this series:
October 5, #1
October 11, #2
Or ask your own question.

* * *

Please help support Rainbows programs!
Rainbows For All Children is participating in the Pepsi Refresh campaign. From Oct. 1 to 31, log on to the Pepsi Refresh web site and vote for Rainbows every day. And please help spread the word! With $250,000 from the Pepsi Refresh Project, Rainbows will:

• Provide emotional support to 2,500 youth through 100 new sites nationwide
• Help children and youth strengthen problem-solving and coping skills
• Improve communication in their families and peer relationships
• Prevent destructive behaviors including violence and substance abuse.

The Day of the Dead 2010: Join us!

Otilia y sus muertitos, originally uploaded by lacho.flores.

Join us as we remember those who’ve died. The Day of the Dead is a Mexican festival of remembrance that dates back thousands of years. Similar to All Soul’s Day, it is believed to be a special time when the veil between the worlds grows thin and our loved ones visit us. The week before the holiday is spent in a fury of gathering mementos, creating crafts, cooking and cleaning, and sharing memories with friends and family.

I believe that grieving people today need this ancient festival that brings together the living and the dead with love and joy. It’s a safe time to share memories and may turn into a new family tradition that is more harmonious with our real experiences of grief than any celebrations or rituals we share in the U.S. today. Day of the Dead rituals and crafts can be adapted to suit nearly any household’s skills, interests, and can include every generation.

How can you participate? Simple!:

• Follow along with us every few days as we walk you through creating an offering to your loved ones. You can pick and choose the activities that work for you.
• Plan an event (small or large) on Nov. 2, the night of the festival. We’ll also have a chat room open that evening for sharing.
• Display the badge (coming soon) for our shared virtual festival on your blog or website.
• Create a craft, cooking something your loved one enjoyed, or otherwise sharing traditions, new or old, with family and/or friends. Nothing will be difficult, everything will be adaptable, and it shouldn't be expensive, either.
• Share your experience, process, and memories on your own blog and Facebook and updating this post (coming soon) with links.

The next post here (coming soon) will be updated every day with new participants, new activities, photos, and other sharing as part of our individual rituals and memories.

This will be FUN, easy, and satisfying! Questions?