Obligatory Post Titled "Hey Jealousy"

(Let’s just get all this out of the way.) I’m jealous of widows who had life insurance, or whose husbands had good jobs with automatic coverage despite preexisting conditions. I’m jealous of those who got to be married longer. I’m jealous of those whose marriages were the most happy they’d ever been. I’m jealous of those who were still falling in love when their partners died.

I’m jealous of anyone who has more than one kid. I’m jealous of parents who didn’t have to pay thousands of dollars to get pregnant. I’m jealous of Moms who have time to work out. I’m jealous of women with good skin and no back fat.

I’m jealous of folks with real careers and who have found the answer to their life’s meaning and the world’s need early in their lives. I’m jealous of folks who are happy just doing their job, or who have pushed through to have real power at my age. I’m jealous of many people who made different choices than I did.

I’m jealous of celebrities with book contracts, and I’m jealous of stupid products that make a lot of money (like Katy Perry and the Baby Einstein videos).

I’m jealous of people with wonderfully supportive extended families that are not neurotic or abusive, and those with independent income. I’m jealous of people who live in inarguably gorgeous places like San Diego.

I’m not jealous of widowed people who “had a chance to say goodbye,” even though hearing this prickles me, because based on living side by side with a dying husband for two years, I think it very rarely happens and I don’t begrudge the few people who may have had this fulfillment.

I’m only a little jealous of those who have faith, the universe holds many ambiguities I can live with, since I believe they are true. I’m not someone who needs answers. I am, however, jealous of people who believe in affirmations and Louise Hay. I crave seeking and process but prefer it when it’s accompanied by genuine original insight. Talk about asking for the world!

I’m a little jealous of people who have good digital SLRs.

I’m not jealous of anyone’s problems, I believe the old adage that if we all put our problems into a giant hat, we’d each take back our own. With pleasure. That’s probably why I hold onto mine so hard.

I’m not jealous of people who’ve had really easy lives, because I think they are often bored and boring. But I am jealous if they seem to be satisfied with that all.

I’m not jealous of anyone’s sense of humor, mine is as good as it’s going to get.
I’m not jealous of anyone’s education or innate smarts.
I’m not jealous of anyone’s kid, mine is perfect.
I’m not jealous of anyone’s creativity, mine exceeds almost anyone’s.
I’m not jealous of anyone’s garden, mine is growing.

I'm not jealous of anyone's entire life, or of this moment, anywhere, anyhow. 

* * * Please connect! I love comments! * * *


Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

Reaching out to say Hi from SF Bay Area where I have been lucky enough to land after nearly 30 years in modern day Hell- south Florida. Your ideas often reflect my tenets as well; thank you for being a good writer and helping put words to feelings.

Linda said...

I love what you wrote here!!!!!

Mrs P said...

For some reason this made me laugh (not sure if that was your intention, but thanks either way) because on some I was like AMEN SISTER and on others I was like HEY! That's me! If I wrote what I was jealous of... geez I'd probably need the whole space of the interwebs... sigh.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Lynda and Linda, Thank you!
Mrs. P, I can't say I was trying to really be funny, but I it's definitely all quirks. I did have to edit a LOT of them out to avoid alienating every animal, vegetable, and many of the minerals on earth and a few from other planets. Thanks for your thoughts (and OF COURSE I don't mean YOU on any of them!).

Meg said...

thanks for your blog, and being so honest. It's nice to ahve words to put to my feelings, when I haven't a clue what I'm feeling anyhow. Oy. :)

thelmaz said...

Thanks for stating it so well. Widows need humor.

P.S. I'm jealous of gardens that actually grow.

Kim said...

I'm jealous of your curly locks, just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

I'm really just jealous of old married couples.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Deardarl, this is the one very typical widowed person envy that I don't have, because Gavin was so much older than me. I just never had that expectation at all. But all the others... totally there.

(Thanks Thelmaz and Kim).

Also, I am jealous of people who can wear 4 inch heels and still dance. Heck, even if they can't dance.

Mom said...

I can so relate on so many fronts. I'm jealous of people w/ kids that don't get sick all the time and can tell you when something's wrong. I'm also jealous of wives that have a husband to talk to and help when needed. This single parenting gig sucks! (yes, I'm having one of THOSE days w/ my sick child!)

WdwrFthr said...

I agree with almost every statement there!

Karla said...

I so love what you wrote. Sometimes I feel like I can't be negative because my family will worry. Even though my mom and two aunts are widows, they are still not the right persons for my to talk to. I get you! Although my issues are slightly different than yours, I have a LOT of issues LOL. It seems on some of the widow pages that their marriages were perfect and I feel inadequate, jealous, and a whole lot more negative things.

Widowmother said...

I've been a widow for 13 months now and I'm raising a 13 month old daughter. I find myself being jealous a lot. I find life so unfair. Mostly I'm jealous for my daughter and my late husband. She never got to meet her father. He never got a chance to hold her. Which was the one thing he wanted to do before he passed. But I also agree that There is a lot of good things in my life that others should be jealous for.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

I think the jealousy thing is pretty insidious and we can learn to let go of it. As I read your story, I thought, at least she's so young, and at least she didn't have trouble getting pregnant. I know those are crazy thoughts and I won't give in to them. Of course, at 4 years out, the jealous thoughts are fleeting little gnats now, rather than big crabs that move into my brain and eat away at it, like they used to be. :-)

I'm really sorry for your loss and hope you find that peers (and the fact that we can admit to having crazy negative ideas) help you to make sense of this crazy road.

Hugs to you and your beautiful little girl. You're not alone!




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